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SALT CATCH-ALL
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WELCOME TO THE SALTBURNT NETWORK
USERNAME: dm
text ❖ audio ❖ video
WELCOME TO THE SALTBURNT NETWORK
USERNAME: dm
text ❖ audio ❖ video
[ there’s something left on daniel’s side of the bed beneath his pillow when he returns during the day. a box, carefully wrapped in deep navy wrapping paper, tied with a black ribbon. inside? a simple, black photo frame with a photo of daniel in the sun, a swathe of shadow across the bridge of his nose. the photo is imperfect, of course, a little off kilter, but there’s a sort of gentle care taken in the framing of it. on the back, should daniel look is elegant, looping scrawl that simply reads: Daniel. LDL. Lakeside. ]
Left you something under your pillow.
The other night? I needed that.
I didn’t tell you and you didn’t ask questions, but what you did?
Thank you.
Not sure anyone has done that for me before.
Left you something under your pillow.
The other night? I needed that.
I didn’t tell you and you didn’t ask questions, but what you did?
Thank you.
Not sure anyone has done that for me before.
[ It feels a little silly to put a picture of himself on his nightstand, so he just slips through into their empty room via the bathroom and puts it on theirs instead. ]
Touching. I'll use it as my jacket photo.
[ The photo he took of Louis enjoying the sunshine is his lock screen, while Armand is his phone's background, all elegant wrists and smoke. It's sentimental, but fuck it. ]
No problem. Always on offer. Unconditional.
[ He's not in whatever this is with Louis for the sex, and certainly not for the gift, and despite bitching about it he doesn't really care about Louis' kill count or whatever vile things he does. A streak of coldness in him, etc. ]
Touching. I'll use it as my jacket photo.
[ The photo he took of Louis enjoying the sunshine is his lock screen, while Armand is his phone's background, all elegant wrists and smoke. It's sentimental, but fuck it. ]
No problem. Always on offer. Unconditional.
[ He's not in whatever this is with Louis for the sex, and certainly not for the gift, and despite bitching about it he doesn't really care about Louis' kill count or whatever vile things he does. A streak of coldness in him, etc. ]
Edited 2024-06-18 06:58 (UTC)
Careful, then. You complain about your condition but your hands are strong.
Not sure I can resist asking for another.
[ there's a little of that southern charm, that playfulness of the vampire from years and years ago. the real louis starting to peek through the holes of the broken man. ]
It would be a good jacket photo, you're right. Don't put my name in the credit for it - they'll think I hypnotized you into using it.
Not sure I can resist asking for another.
[ there's a little of that southern charm, that playfulness of the vampire from years and years ago. the real louis starting to peek through the holes of the broken man. ]
It would be a good jacket photo, you're right. Don't put my name in the credit for it - they'll think I hypnotized you into using it.
[ The (...) of a man writing and deleting several replies appears for a while, and not because of the photograph - or the flirting. He wants to ask something his pride will stop him raising in person. Nearly stops him raising now. ]
You've made my hands shake before. Not looking for an apology. Wondering if you could do the opposite. If I gave you "permission" to mess around in my brain.
[ Those aren't scare-quotes he's old and uses them for emphasis. ]
Not expecting a cure. Not asking for the whole shebang. But the tremors have been bad lately, and I don't trust your boyfriend.
[ Yet. ]
You've made my hands shake before. Not looking for an apology. Wondering if you could do the opposite. If I gave you "permission" to mess around in my brain.
[ Those aren't scare-quotes he's old and uses them for emphasis. ]
Not expecting a cure. Not asking for the whole shebang. But the tremors have been bad lately, and I don't trust your boyfriend.
[ Yet. ]
[ now that is not at all what he'd been expecting, and it takes louis a few moments longer than usual to respond. there are a few (...) of his own before the answer finally comes through. ]
I haven't tried anything like that before, and there aren't guarantees it would work, but I can try.
[ there's something to be said about the trust comment, but he'll leave it for now. armand might be the better of the two of them for the task, really, but even louis can understand the hesitation. ]
I would like to help you.
I haven't tried anything like that before, and there aren't guarantees it would work, but I can try.
[ there's something to be said about the trust comment, but he'll leave it for now. armand might be the better of the two of them for the task, really, but even louis can understand the hesitation. ]
I would like to help you.
Of course. I'll do what I can.
[ and he wants to. but before he can continue, he skims the word blood and goes still. another moment where those (...) come and go. ]
They see to our needs generously. Mine, specifically, with utmost care. [ blood in containers that mostly conceal what the contents are, always fresh, and he never asks questions. ]
I missed breakfast that day. Stayed too long in coffin come morning, so I went to the club hungry. But no, there wasn't table service, Daniel. I have some measure of control - I'm usually hungry, even on days I am fed.
[ and he wants to. but before he can continue, he skims the word blood and goes still. another moment where those (...) come and go. ]
They see to our needs generously. Mine, specifically, with utmost care. [ blood in containers that mostly conceal what the contents are, always fresh, and he never asks questions. ]
I missed breakfast that day. Stayed too long in coffin come morning, so I went to the club hungry. But no, there wasn't table service, Daniel. I have some measure of control - I'm usually hungry, even on days I am fed.
We’re even, then. I respect you by staying out of your mind, but if you were angling to ask if I went on a killing spree in the club you could ask me directly. I’d hate to interrupt your journalistic endeavors, but by all means. I’ll mind my tone as well.
You think this is about the book?
[ About five minutes after that, he sends a voice message: ]
You're an addict. No judgement, I've been an addict my whole life. Maybe it hasn't felt that way in a while, because Dubai was perfectly controlled by your boyfriend's iPad. While this place is serving cakes made out of people and blood at breakfast and dozens of pretty young men high out of their minds.
[ A shaky exhale of static. He sounds tired. Louis can probably easily picture him, glasses or pen in hand, shuffling his notes, glancing at words he wrote to prompt himself. ]
I think, if we're doing whatever we're doing, I have a right to ask if you're killing again, or if this place is setting you up to come close. It's not a dealbreaker. But I wanna know.
[ About five minutes after that, he sends a voice message: ]
You're an addict. No judgement, I've been an addict my whole life. Maybe it hasn't felt that way in a while, because Dubai was perfectly controlled by your boyfriend's iPad. While this place is serving cakes made out of people and blood at breakfast and dozens of pretty young men high out of their minds.
[ A shaky exhale of static. He sounds tired. Louis can probably easily picture him, glasses or pen in hand, shuffling his notes, glancing at words he wrote to prompt himself. ]
I think, if we're doing whatever we're doing, I have a right to ask if you're killing again, or if this place is setting you up to come close. It's not a dealbreaker. But I wanna know.
[ of course it’s not about the book. louis knows better. so to spare daniels eyes and fingers alike, he sends a voice message in return. decides that, from now on, knowing that his tremors are bothering him, he’ll do this when he can. the voice on the other end isn’t the performative, defensive, tailored man who answered earlier. equally? louis sounds a little tired as well. ]
You’re right. But I think I also deserve a direct question next time - not your journalistic approach to it all. I’m not killing. I don’t want to kill. And maybe in the past I’ve had to, I leaned into all that grief and sorrow and let what I am rule me and all I did, but I meant it in Dubai. I do my utmost not to - and if it’s desperate enough, if there’s no alternative, I ask Armand for help. What he does however is a different story. We got different outlooks on all this, but I’m doing what I can.
[ a breath, then: ]
You have to know that feeding isn’t just a choice for me. I’m not strong enough to survive without the blood, and while in my younger decades I could get caught up in the rush of it, that’s not who I am now. I’m trying not to be.
Whether this place presses all of that, I don’t know. I feel more alive here in a way I didn’t and couldn’t in Dubai and yeah, that’s addictive. You’re right. Maybe they’re setting us up for failure here, but I’m going to need you to trust me a little here. I’ll ask for the help.
The blood wasn’t human.
You’re right. But I think I also deserve a direct question next time - not your journalistic approach to it all. I’m not killing. I don’t want to kill. And maybe in the past I’ve had to, I leaned into all that grief and sorrow and let what I am rule me and all I did, but I meant it in Dubai. I do my utmost not to - and if it’s desperate enough, if there’s no alternative, I ask Armand for help. What he does however is a different story. We got different outlooks on all this, but I’m doing what I can.
[ a breath, then: ]
You have to know that feeding isn’t just a choice for me. I’m not strong enough to survive without the blood, and while in my younger decades I could get caught up in the rush of it, that’s not who I am now. I’m trying not to be.
Whether this place presses all of that, I don’t know. I feel more alive here in a way I didn’t and couldn’t in Dubai and yeah, that’s addictive. You’re right. Maybe they’re setting us up for failure here, but I’m going to need you to trust me a little here. I’ll ask for the help.
The blood wasn’t human.
[ Listening to it feels a little like 2020 all over again, tired people in seperate places. He could go try and close that distance between them. He plays the voicemail again. ]
I accept what Armand is.
[ In text so Louis doesn't get to hear how he sounds while saying that; this is a mixed media project now. He turns his phone in his hands, puts it aside, writes longhand, crosses it out, picks it up. ]
You've told me your story, Louis. I was listening. I know what you've done.
[ A little wry; softer than that would have sounded over text. He could see so clearly how hard it was for him to hold back, how badly he needed it, how resentful he was of that need and those restrictions. Daniel's been there. He's been there and been there and been there. Hell, he's got a bottle of vicodin in his bedside drawer, he could hop right back on that train.
When he calls Louis' bullshit, though, he's doing it for five (one hundred and twenty-eight) other homophile addicts in San Francisco, seven thousand souls in New Orleans, eighty three folders sorted by last name, and so on, and so forth. ]
My ex-wife used to say I didn't know how to stop being a journalist. So yeah, that's pretty much the whole package. But I can try to be less of an asshole.
I accept what Armand is.
[ In text so Louis doesn't get to hear how he sounds while saying that; this is a mixed media project now. He turns his phone in his hands, puts it aside, writes longhand, crosses it out, picks it up. ]
You've told me your story, Louis. I was listening. I know what you've done.
[ A little wry; softer than that would have sounded over text. He could see so clearly how hard it was for him to hold back, how badly he needed it, how resentful he was of that need and those restrictions. Daniel's been there. He's been there and been there and been there. Hell, he's got a bottle of vicodin in his bedside drawer, he could hop right back on that train.
When he calls Louis' bullshit, though, he's doing it for five (one hundred and twenty-eight) other homophile addicts in San Francisco, seven thousand souls in New Orleans, eighty three folders sorted by last name, and so on, and so forth. ]
My ex-wife used to say I didn't know how to stop being a journalist. So yeah, that's pretty much the whole package. But I can try to be less of an asshole.
[ maybe it’s mixed media for daniel, but it’s not for him. instead, louis takes a prolonged amount of time to respond to this message, but when he does? it’s in voice. ]
And what makes it easier to accept what he is?
[ there’s a sigh, then, and surely daniel can visualize the way he pinches the bridge of his nose, reigning himself back in. ]
I get it. If you think I don’t think about the things I’ve done or the people I’ve harmed in all of this -
You do, I know. The reminder is good. I don’t mean to get defensive it’s just what I know best.
[ another sigh, another rustle of something that sounds like leaves and the distinct sound of rippling water in the background. he’s at the lake again - secluded and out in the hot heat of the sun. ]
I like the journalist in you. Reminds me there’s a human in me still, after all that. Everything I’ve done. Or at least I like to believe there is.
And what makes it easier to accept what he is?
[ there’s a sigh, then, and surely daniel can visualize the way he pinches the bridge of his nose, reigning himself back in. ]
I get it. If you think I don’t think about the things I’ve done or the people I’ve harmed in all of this -
You do, I know. The reminder is good. I don’t mean to get defensive it’s just what I know best.
[ another sigh, another rustle of something that sounds like leaves and the distinct sound of rippling water in the background. he’s at the lake again - secluded and out in the hot heat of the sun. ]
I like the journalist in you. Reminds me there’s a human in me still, after all that. Everything I’ve done. Or at least I like to believe there is.
There is. That's why you get defensive. Shame's basically the human condition. Sick impulse and shame.
Armand...
[ The audio cuts off after a few seconds of silence, Daniel choosing his words carefully. Eventually: ]
I don't go up to a tiger and give it shit for eating an antelope. Especially when I'm an antelope.
Armand...
[ The audio cuts off after a few seconds of silence, Daniel choosing his words carefully. Eventually: ]
I don't go up to a tiger and give it shit for eating an antelope. Especially when I'm an antelope.
Sick impulse and shame. I guess you’re right.
[ his anger deflates, rushes out of him on a sigh and he tries his best to let it seep out of his voice. he listens to Daniel's voice message again and again, so the second audio clip that comes is a second recording. ]
We’re all predators in some way, aren’t we? Was I not the tiger when you thought Armand was just compliant Rashid?
[ a beat, a realization (something not startling but not altogether unknown either) then: ]
No, actually. I guess I wasn’t.
[ his anger deflates, rushes out of him on a sigh and he tries his best to let it seep out of his voice. he listens to Daniel's voice message again and again, so the second audio clip that comes is a second recording. ]
We’re all predators in some way, aren’t we? Was I not the tiger when you thought Armand was just compliant Rashid?
[ a beat, a realization (something not startling but not altogether unknown either) then: ]
No, actually. I guess I wasn’t.
[ The swap back to text confirms a mild concern, and Daniel makes his way out to the lake. He sends a message as he goes, the sound of his breath and footsteps audible, the house moving around him. ]
Who are you, Louis, she asked you, and you talked about photography. Should have been talking about how you carried the best and worst of your human self into eternity. The protective brother. The Catholic guilt. The hidden love. She wouldn't have got it, you made her too young for her to have anything to bring with her that she'd wanted to keep.
[ By the time Louis finishes listening to that, he'll be able to hear Daniel approaching the lake, signal where he is so he doesn't have to trudge through the long grass searching. ]
Who are you, Louis, she asked you, and you talked about photography. Should have been talking about how you carried the best and worst of your human self into eternity. The protective brother. The Catholic guilt. The hidden love. She wouldn't have got it, you made her too young for her to have anything to bring with her that she'd wanted to keep.
[ By the time Louis finishes listening to that, he'll be able to hear Daniel approaching the lake, signal where he is so he doesn't have to trudge through the long grass searching. ]
[ from all the various recordings he's heard of daniel and of himself, something about the sound of daniel's voice and determination in this clip will haunt him for a long time. and maybe it's better that it does - a reminder of who he is, or who he tried to be. where does the human fit into the craggy shape of the monster?
he'd just finished a quick, furious lap when he listened to daniel's assessment. who are you, louis? - he can hear her voice as clear as day, as though all he had to do was look to one side and she'd be there with her wide, bright eyes, trying to parse apart the broken parts of him and make sense of them. but she's not there. hasn't been for a very, very long time.
he grabs his towel, tucks it round his waist, and starts up toward the house, toward the sound of daniel's footsteps. he stops a few feet from him, hair unkempt and water still trickling down his face. ]
I couldn't tell the good parts from the bad, then. Don't know if I can now, either.
he'd just finished a quick, furious lap when he listened to daniel's assessment. who are you, louis? - he can hear her voice as clear as day, as though all he had to do was look to one side and she'd be there with her wide, bright eyes, trying to parse apart the broken parts of him and make sense of them. but she's not there. hasn't been for a very, very long time.
he grabs his towel, tucks it round his waist, and starts up toward the house, toward the sound of daniel's footsteps. he stops a few feet from him, hair unkempt and water still trickling down his face. ]
I couldn't tell the good parts from the bad, then. Don't know if I can now, either.
That's why you hired me.
[ Frank about it; also not shy about coming over to slide a hand down Louis' dripping wet forearm and take his hand. The boundary of the personal has been well and truly crossed, so now Louis can discover Daniel's just as fond of getting into his space physically as he is with asking invasive questions. ]
Let's find somewhere to sit in the sun until you dry off.
[ There's a flat rock that'll do: no surface here is gonna be comfortable for Daniel, but that's fine. He can use Louis as a pillow. ]
[ Frank about it; also not shy about coming over to slide a hand down Louis' dripping wet forearm and take his hand. The boundary of the personal has been well and truly crossed, so now Louis can discover Daniel's just as fond of getting into his space physically as he is with asking invasive questions. ]
Let's find somewhere to sit in the sun until you dry off.
[ There's a flat rock that'll do: no surface here is gonna be comfortable for Daniel, but that's fine. He can use Louis as a pillow. ]
[ the invasion of his personal space is new, certainly - louis blinking as daniel touches his arm, holds his hand. it's not a comfort he's used to in moments like these and so he's quiet as they walk to the flat surface of the rock. louis at least has the foresight to lay his towel out so neither of them are on the baked surface of the thing before he sits, waiting for daniel to join him. ]
You realize we could have gone inside to dry off? Sit wherever.
[ he's not complaining - commenting that daniel could be more comfortable. but louis is grateful for the sun, already tipping his face toward it out of sheer habit alone. ]
You realize we could have gone inside to dry off? Sit wherever.
[ he's not complaining - commenting that daniel could be more comfortable. but louis is grateful for the sun, already tipping his face toward it out of sheer habit alone. ]
[ Daniel does sit wherever, easing himself down and then making himself a pillow out of Louis' damp thigh, his dandelion curls soft on the places his towel rides up. Head in the lion's mouth. He's making a point about trust. ]
And deny you more time in the sun? This is your tree and rocks room.
[ Daniel tans rather than burns, and he's pretty sure skin cancer isn't as bad as Parkinsons, so he's perfectly happy to stay out here and swat at the lake midges, listen to the sussuruss of the breeze in the grass. Forcing himself to listen quietly to their surroundings instead of letting his brain tick over with idle musings. ]
And deny you more time in the sun? This is your tree and rocks room.
[ Daniel tans rather than burns, and he's pretty sure skin cancer isn't as bad as Parkinsons, so he's perfectly happy to stay out here and swat at the lake midges, listen to the sussuruss of the breeze in the grass. Forcing himself to listen quietly to their surroundings instead of letting his brain tick over with idle musings. ]
[ louis again can't help but marvel at the nearness - it shouldn't be all that surprising, considering their shared time in daniel's bed, but it's touching, all the same. once he's sure the man has settled, he lets one hand fall into the downy soft curls, nails lightly dragging over his scalp. ]
You think so?
[ but he's right, of course. it's quiet here - undisturbed and peaceful in a way the house isn't. some of the edge of danger disappears, too, but only a little. a part of him is almost lulled into the idea that this wouldn't be all that bad a place to stay, but he knows better. ]
I don't want to get used to it. We get out of this place and it might not be my reality anymore. It's hard to say.
You think so?
[ but he's right, of course. it's quiet here - undisturbed and peaceful in a way the house isn't. some of the edge of danger disappears, too, but only a little. a part of him is almost lulled into the idea that this wouldn't be all that bad a place to stay, but he knows better. ]
I don't want to get used to it. We get out of this place and it might not be my reality anymore. It's hard to say.
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